A poem

[DarkAsmodeous]

I'm aware that each line on the third verse is one sylable longer than the pattern, but its something I felt like doing. Tell me if it or the poem works for you. Love to hear feedback (I intend to set it to music)


Long nights spent
In painful contemplation
You wonder why
You even care at all
You can’t help but worry
She’s on your mind
You go to sleep
Resolved
To make this the last time

Morning comes
Going through the motions
Of not caring
You try to be calm
Hiding your intentions
You watch the day
Waiting
To form the connections

You find yourself
Removed from the equation
Player in a game
Of prey and predation
Your soul has been stained and sucked
Dry and cold as hell
You’re just another victim
Of the violent social spell

The smoke clears
Coming to your senses
You try to fix
The damage you’ve done
But no one seems to care
They want nothing
To do with you
Afraid
To be lonely as you

Now you’ve gone
Running from the laughter
Of those cold hearts
And eyes watching you
You’re so convinced that
The world’s out to
Break you, you’re a
Vagrant
There’s no hope for you now

[IAMTHEEMPEROR]

That's a good poem. Sad, but the concept is all too present in modern society.

[llamaranger]

This is just my opinion, obviously, but there's something that's not quite right about the last two stanzas. It might be the tone or the wording, but it's not a style that I really like.

It's good. But it's not a poem that I would write if you see what I mean.

I think that there is a fine art to writing something that is real, and based on experience without sounding self-obsessed and also balancing that with a theme that is universal, without sounding preachy of pretentious.

That's just my opinion.

Edd

P.S. In relation to the point above I think the way the poem is written is a little too vague.

[DarkAsmodeous]

The concept is simple: Detatchment felt as a result of a mistake, and that very detatchment spurring others to spurn you and make you feel further detatched.