More poetry from Dark As!

[llamaranger]

Originally posted by DarkAsmodeous
Sounds good mate, but sing with confidance man!

i was trying not to disturb the neighbours, also you can probably see me glancing at the lyrics which were pinned just above the camera

i like the new one too... but it aint song material..

Edd

[DarkAsmodeous]

I would beg to differ on that last point, I think it sounds quite good ballad style in C, though my friend and I are also gonna see if its possible to go against the obvious and rock the song up a bit.

[ZDawg]

I don't mean to dig this post back up from the grave, and I don't mean to be offensive either, but I feel like this work and others by you, DarkAsmodeous, are seriously lacking in the field of depth.

On a depth-scale I would place the work of yours that I have seen right between an angsty teenage poem about the hardships of losing a girlfriend and pretty much any lyric to a modern rock song about love.

Sorry for that rather critical analysis, but I am, after all, obsessed with writing, and to me this doesn't cut it as far as poetry goes. A song to get your girl back, sure, but not my idea of poetry.

Again, I don't mean to disrespect you in any way. I mean the words I said to be taken in a purely constructive way, if at all possible.

[Razorwing]

I'm not much of a poetry buff myself but I would agree most of the poems in this thread feel more like song lyrics than poetry. I would imagine the factors for writing a good text of either kind is very different. I'm of the opinion that songs can't be deep and good at the same time

Not so sure about the part you wrote about "get your girl back" though

[ZDawg]

Well, I was banking off the fact that the message I recieved largely is a plea for sympathy. Women are suckers for it. Saying how miserable you are without them has been known to "get a girl" back on various occasions. It isn't a sure-fire tactic one-hundred percent of the time, but I would say it works for a good deal of the break-up cases I've known.

I saw that in at least the other poems, but not the one about the woman named Laura. That one was just a story in the form of a poem or a lyric, which is one step up from a love song/"broken heart" song, but it's no Four Quartets. Hell, I wouldn't even consider it a worthy opponent to The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams.

Was that out of line?

[DarkAsmodeous]

A bit necromantic (is that even word?) but definitely not out of line

One of the surreal, but perhaps valuable aspects of writing at this particular point of my life is that I get fresh perspectives pretty quickly, and looking back even just a few months can create a contrast. As this pertains to my writing, I get to see exactly what you're pointing out, and increase my standards for myself. Of course, with these higher standards I get a large share of writer's block and :eek: moments when reading my old writing. I'm sure I'll continue to have these moments in a few months looking back on right now


Edit:

Thought I'd throw in something more recent

The sun won't set in the same way
I learned how to love
And forgot how to pray
I've lived my life
For today
Which soon will fade
To yesterday

But that's alright,
Turn the fragile day to night
I don't mind
'Cause that's alright
As long as you're here tonight
I don't mind

Your hair won't lie
In the same place
Though your smile shows
Just a hint of grace
Beauty's lost
In your age
And time will turn
Another page

But that's alright,
Turn the fragile day to night
I don't mind
'Cause that's alright
As long as you're here tonight
I don't mind

We will die
Under the same sun
Journeys ended
Or just begun
In memory
We are one
Which soon will fade
When all is done

But that's alright,
Turn the fragile day to night
I don't mind
'Cause that's alright
As long as you're here tonight
I don't mind

Edit 2: and you're right about the poetry/lyric distinction

[ZDawg]

Necromantic? I like it(and yes, it is a word....)

Jesus was necromantic.

I'm glad such a staunch criticism of your work was well-taken. That's honorable.

As for the more recent piece, I can see definate improvements over these older works. This one is borderlining symbollic, which is an an absolute must in all things to be considered poetry.

The suggestion I would make for your next poem is to focus more on imagery as well. Just keep in mind that the difference between poetry and any other form of writing is that poetry speaks to the whole person.

What I mean by this is that poetry adresses and compliments a person's intellect, imagination, senses and, above all emotions. The purpose of poetry is to convey an experience as closely as possible. If you can't even remotely convey an experience, or at least an emotion, my opinion is that you fail as a poet.

I don't think you fail as a poet. You are good at rhyming, I will give you that, and you are ahead of most of the kids who attempt poetry at my school (including one of my best friends, whose poetry is absolutely excrutiating.) But in my eyes, lyrics ARE poetry, or at least they should be. Maybe you should try adressing a universal demon of mankind through your poetry, not only your own personal demons?

I don't know if my own personal opinions help at all. Probably not. :lol:

Anyways, I've been thinking and I suppose I will post a version of a VERY work-in-progress poem of mine. Right now it is... well, it is pretty long... but I plan for it to be longer. You could compare my intended size to The Wasteland by T.S. Elliot.

I'm rambling again damnit... :bitch: