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+----- Thread: Root of the confusion (/Thread-Root-of-the-confusion)
- Razorwing - 01-17-2006
raggidman: Sounds good, and I agree with the changes
But how come you capitalized the first letter of the word "you"?
- raggidman - 01-17-2006
'pologies - somehow, in the process of changing computers half of the work I did disappeared, but here is the whole edit - I hope this explains?
Quote:- "You're doing it wrong", Decatho noted.
Marellius, rubbing his back, glared back at him.
- "Really? And you're suddenly an expert, are you?"
- "Guess it depends on what you compare it to, now doesn't it?" Decatho scoffed.
Marellius just groaned in pain, holding his back.
- "But I know from watching you chew and spit out ten leaves that that's not the way to do it!" Decatho exclaimed, as he tossed another log on the fire.
- "Doesn't the book say *anything* else?"
Decatho picked up the rugged book next to him and flipped through the pages.
- "No, it just says the Dunmer love to grow the stuff and that it has healing properties. Maybe you're supposed to boil the leaves?"
Marellius stared at him with an annoyed look in his eyes.
- "That's your solution to everything, Decatho! No, we're not making tea again!"
Decatho rubbed his neck.
- "Well it couldn't hurt... my throat is killing me."
- "Quit whining", Marellius snarled. "Like your cough is anything like a rake to the back."
- "So you got a whack and ran off. Who had to carry the bags all the way from the farm? It's not like we thieved herbs or anything, these damn things are *heavy*!" Decatho complained.
Marellius just sighed, leaving their discussion to taper off into a shared feeling that life was hard and unfair to both of them. [NP]Reminded of the pain in his back, Marellius poked a finger at Decatho, signalling him to throw over the book to him. He browsed through it for a few minutes.
- "Right..." Marellius thought out loud. "We know that Dunmer love to grow corkbulb, that it has healing powers, and that you don't get healed by chewing the leaves."
- "The healing part might just be superstition", Decatho pondered. "I mean, like thinking that drinking soup cures you of your cold because you get better if you do it for a week., but you You don't get know that you'd get better whether you drank it or not, so you just keep on drinking soup because you know you'll get better if you do."
- "Wouldn't surprise me... maybe this thing is a vegetable and the locals eat the root, thinking like it does something good for their health." Marellius said.
- "Right. Well, let's boil it up and see what happens."
Decatho chopped off a piece of the fat root and threw it in the pot.
- "After it's done", he inquired cautiously, "can I throw a couple leaves in?"
- "Yeah, yeah", Marellius laughed, "Go ahead my friend."
Decatho suddenly felt something tap him on his shoulder, and the pair jumped up on their feet into the air, screaming their lungs out. In the flickering light of the logifre they could make out three figures staring at them. Two of them had the distinct silhouette of Redoran guards, but the third was harder to distinguish. He stepped forward, glaring at them with beady, fiery-red eyes, whiteknuckled hands and clutching a rake. [NP]He Then he stood there quivering before them, staring stared at the chopped-up corkbulb root boiling in the pot and the spitball leaves around Marellius feet, and furiously scratching scratched his head. Baffled, he exclaimedthundered:
- "What the hell are you thieves doing to my firewood?"
By Razorwing
[edited by raggidman]
[edit] I sort of felt that shorter sentances would work better for them, as if they tried a long sentance they might get lost in the middle...? And at the end I am looking for ways to make more immediate and graphic the changes in the gardener/farmer's manner as he realises that he is totally out of his depth...something I can imagine happens to most or all of the people that have to deal with them.
Now you got me wondering what effect they would have on a Daedra Prince...aaaaargh.
Hows about this?
- Razorwing - 01-18-2006
raggidman:
I like the edits. :yes:
But maybe I was unclear regarding the farmer's reaction, as you remark that he's "totally out of his depth". I wanted to make him out to be angry - backed up by guards, as he was - but even more confused, as in that he couldn't believe what the stupid thieves had tried to do to his firewood. In his eyes the situation must have been something like what we would feel if we saw someone chewing and boiling logs of timber
...those silly Imperials just trekked over the border into Morrowind and thieved the first farm they came across.
- raggidman - 01-18-2006
Really the alternative route I have proposed is not necessarily better or as good as yours, it was just another possibility tacked on to try to form a clearer opinion as to what you have done and whether there is any way to improve by contrast.
Given the direction you are attempting to take things, I suggest that something indicating the contined tension and anger might be considered for the build up to the punch line, so that the feeling is that he could actually lash out. So I will try to think of a further alternative, while I wait for your response, and you can decide whether such is needed.
To 'lard on' if taking the continued anger approach works as well for comedy as understatement. And it is worth while considering this further as the reaction of the first 'victims' of your protagonists will have a deep impact on the potential for further adventures.
I suppose that I was trying to see if I could make your farmer as much of a victim of your hopeless rascals as they are of themselves. It's a very crucial question if this is to be a mini-series and can be examined in furhter terms such as: what are the effects and how far can and do those effects have on others beyond the obvious...and therefore what are they really capable of...are there limits to their abilities? Are they agents of chaos to all around, or do they just hurt themselves?
Reminds me of Prince Phillip a bit. And that's not as far-fetched as it may seem - he is an active and world class devotee of horse-drawn carriage racing, so he could easily be found grooming his favorite horses and yes, mucking out for them. He has a talent for furious too.
Come to think of it, your 'farmer/gardener' seems to be just that, rather than a noble busy with a hobby.
Put further poss choices in blue, hope this is useful - rm
- Razorwing - 01-18-2006
raggidman: I understand, and I really appreciate your efforts and professionalism, but my little story isn't worthy of that kind of attention. It was only ever intended as an attempt at comic relief, and if it can give the odd player or two a chuckle then in my mind it has served its purpose. And as such, I'm overall happy with it
- dwemer lizard - 01-18-2006
i still think you MUST rite a book :yes:
of 690 pages and put it on the internet, an use redletters so people will have to use 3 cardriges
- raggidman - 01-18-2006
Sorry boss, but your little story is absolutely excellent, and you will have to live with that fact, like it or not!And yes, it is worth anyone's time.
What you do with it is your choice, I am just presentin you with the possibilities...since this is in the fan fiction section you have to decide whether to go along with them at the end of the day.
So you dun good, enjoy your choice. Implement or not.
- raggidman - 01-18-2006
Hey, dwemet lizard I think that one of the primary responsibilities of a mod is to resist the temptation to change someone's post from a serious and intellectual contribution into the words: "I am a tooth fairy." What do you think?
- Quentin Fortune - 01-18-2006
Quote:Originally posted by raggidman
And yes, it is worth anyone's time.
What you do with it is your choice, I am just presentin you with the possibilities...since this is in the fan fiction section you have to decide whether to go along with them at the end of the day.
So you dun good, enjoy your choice. Implement or not.
Oh we will see that one in the mod, raggidman, believe me. Our little Padawan still has to learn about the gift he possesses.
And I'm impressed to see your magic at work. Small the changes might be, but their effect is tremendous.
Greetings
Quentin
- Razorwing - 01-18-2006
Caution is the mother of all confusions I cause
I love what you're doing raggidman, keep up the good work. But my story was just that, comic relief, and the reason I don't want it treated too seriously is because *I* didn't treat it seriously when I wrote it, and I would hate for people to think that story is the best I can muster. It's sloppy here and there and decidedly shallow in character descriptions and scenery, and I can do better than that if I just apply myself. I appreciate the help you've given me on spellchecking and grammar for the story, but I just don't feel like expanding it or develop the characters.